Woo. 
ContentI feel like I'm wasting the happy go lucky years of my life (I'm almost 21) pining after a boy. I've never met anyone I liked even remotely this much before so it feels like the end of the world that it isn't going to happen. And even though he gave me the guy speak for "I don't like you back, sorry" a YEAR ago and I've seen him do things I'm not comfortable with and he's unintentionally caused me so much misery I keep thinking it's some kind of fault with me. It's eating away at my self esteem, it broke it last year and I've spent the last few months trying to piece it back together. And I was on a downward spiral before I met him too.
I just wanna be happy. And I'm at the point where I can't seem to be because I have to see him every week (I'm not going to leave the place I see him, it's my haven, without it I crash and burn even more). He went away for a month and when I was there I was so happy and didn't judge myself or feel bad. When I'm around him I'm happy too but I judge myself and feel inferior at the same time. I'm really really hurt and I've run out of ideas for how to make it stop. I get the impression not many girls take a year to get over a guy that hurts them (albeit unknowingly, he still hurts me a LOT). I'm petrified because I have no idea how long this is going to continue. And I just want it to be over. I want my life back. I want the will to get up each morning and to stop living in anticipation of tomorrow because today doesn't suit what I want most.
I want a hug. I don't want to be jealous of every girl I see because she might fit the mould I don't. I don't want to feel like only ppl I have no respect for would ever want me. I want to be seen. I want someone to want ME rather than the other way around. My whole life I've gone unnoticed in any romantic way and now I'm scared of being noticed because I have no way of being sure of the outcome. I don't want to be unhappy, but I'm scared to risk the unknown to find a way to be happy. I'm terrified and miserable. The worst part is I'm not convinced that tomorrow I'll be able to remain convinced that he won't ever feel that way about me. I keep relapsing, convinced that he doesn't know me and that if I can finally be myself he may change his mind. I know I'm hurting myself but the notion is so much more satisfying than the thought of life without him. This is like the oldest story in the world. I hate it. Why can't I just hate him? Why do I feel like I'm forever getting the short stick in the human interraction part of things. I'm not socially inept.
I don't know what else to say. It's the same things here and then some on replay over and over, not 24/7 anymore, but still a lot. If I wasn't so adoring of him then I'd be able to accept that he isn't interested and let it go eventually but instead I try to change myself to suit him rather than accepting that he's not right for me. I'm just not that crazy about myself evidently.
I'm lost. I need to find some kind of strength to value myself for but all the things I think are good about my self seem inconsequential because they failed me when I was hoping for them to help me. They don't seem so important to the ppl I want to impress.
Rejected
Miserable
. And Bonni; I'm not intending to depend on you for this but a little subtle support would be greatly appreciated; like if we're going to eat together let's pick somewhere with something healthy, k? Not that you're unreliable for that - sumo salad seems to be a regular stop lol! And like if you want bubble tea then I'll buy a tea from GJs or something (I dun wanna miss out on the cup toting fun, hehe there's just something about toting a cup *sigh* I love novelty drinks). Anyway, we're going for the home stretch this time; 45-60kg!!! 
One of these days I'm gonna find someone to take to bed WITH me 
Joy
